Abortion

No, I’m not quoting Armin Arlet, and this dream was INTENSE. Essentially, I was pregnant, but I was confused because I knew I hadn’t had sex before. It didn’t make sense. The doctors confirmed that I was a rare special case. I was determined to have the baby and make it work. It felt kind of like a miracle, like I was the Virgin Mary or something. I thought, if this happened, then it must have happened for a reason. I was creating a child. I knew it was a huge responsibility, but I loved my child. It was a part of me, and I thought it would make me feel less lonely to have someone to care for. A reason to wake up every morning. My parents agreed to help me raise the baby. They would be supportive no matter what, though I knew they wanted better for me. I moved back home. One day, I was on the front porch, watching the sunset. I was rubbing my hand over my bump. Suddenly, tears came into my eyes. I realized how scared I was. What was I doing? How could I raise a baby? I’m in my early twenties, and my career is just getting started. Was I ruining everything? I knew my parents were disappointed in me for wanting to have the baby, even though they were excited to be grandparents, and I wanted to please them. My dad suddenly walked over, and he asked what was wrong. I admitted I was scared and started to sob. He hugged me, and he suggested I have an abortion. Honestly, I see an abortion as a last resort. I didn’t want to hurt my baby, but I was starting to think it wasn’t a good idea for me or the baby to have it. When we arrived at the doctor’s office (which was very tranquil with wooden falls and floors), I was a mess. I was teary-eyed the whole time, still battling what I wanted in my mind. I could tell the nurses were getting frustrated with me for being so tense and flustered. I began to cry a little when they said they needed a name for the baby for the procedure. My parents began to explain that I hadn’t picked a name, but I interrupted them and said “Hannah.” I especially lost it when two children came into the lobby and began to cry. I almost asked the nurses to make the children leave. It felt like MY Hannah was crying for me to stop. Soon, I was in a hospital gown, and I was propped in a chair. I don’t know how abortions work, so this whole procedure resembled a pap smear. I swear- it felt so, so real when the doctor sat in front of me and began sticking tools in my gina. Like, I could FEEL pain, and that just made me start to shake and cry more. I was so terrified. They said they were going to put me under. I woke up in real life, and I was lying on my bed in a similar position to how I was lying in the dream. This was so traumatizing 😩 I think this dream does unpack a lot. A) I do feel lonely, and I’ve been thinking about getting a pet. I think the feelings I had towards Hannah would be similar to a pet, and I’d feel less lonely. B) Relationships and childbirth scare me. Both are big responsibilities, and they can come with pain. C) Sometimes I do things to please my parents, even if it’s not what I want, because I think they know better than I do.